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Fridays with Phil

Life, family and unshakeable faith

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ALS

Your most courageous decision

If you want to make it through a difficult situation, you have a choice to make: turn and run, or face it and chase it down.

In the book of 2 Samuel, chapter 23, the Bible tells the story of a man by the name of Benaiah.  On a snowy day, he chased his challenge, a lion, down into a pit and killed it.  Benaiah could have fled the lion but he literally overcame his challenge.

To tell you the truth, I have learnt more by facing the “lions” in my life than from running.

I believe that doing our best to face up to situations that life presents with no escape plan, and no “out” is the boldest and most courageous decision any of us could make today.

Even when you have no idea of how you are going to face the future or what you should do next, if God is with you, He can give you what you lack.  At the time of weakness or doubt, He can give you strength and wisdom.

You just need to decide, “Will I run away, will I lie down or will I face reality, and give it my best shot?”

So if you have ever felt like a lion is chasing you down, don’t ignore it, hide from it, or pretend it’s not there.  Accept it, stand and face it.

Acceptance is the state of mind in which we find meaning from what we are facing.

For me, my lion is MND / ALS.  I decided early on to face it and chase it down.  There is only one option, no white flags, no retreating.

As I’ve said before “I may have MND, but MND won’t have me”.

I will not allow disease to destroy my soul or my spirit.  I have decided that if I will die anyway, which we all will one day, then I may as well live fully to the best of my ability until that day.

What’s your lion today?  Will you run from it or turn, face it, and chase it down?

Your lion could be an issue that you need to confront in your life, something you need to pick a fight with and change.

You see, sometimes the lion picks us and sometimes we pick the lion.  Sometimes bad things happen to us and sometimes we need to choose to fight a battle instead of live with the status quo.

In either scenario, what we do in this moment, how we respond, and our attitude are all up to us and will ultimately make an impression on the next moments, months and years.

Be encouraged today that in our most challenging moments we can discover purpose.  The lion wants to take from you but it can give as well.  It can give you a reason to keep going and prove that life is worth the living.  Anything worth living for is worth fighting for.

You can sit there and imagine a life without difficulty and without resistance but it’s nothing more than a fairy tale.  Or you can face up to your challenge, and determine to live and thrive, lions and all.

Take courage today,
Phil

18

The Theory of Everything

You may have heard the name of scientist, Stephen Hawking.  He is one of the most well-known sufferers of a rare slow-progressing form of the MND / ALS disease.  He is also an avid atheist.

A name you may not be as familiar with is Jane Wilde, his now ex-wife, a strong Christian.

The new movie “The Theory of Everything” tells the story of their battle with ALS and how it impacted their relationship.

I have seen the movie and I have read his ex-wife’s book on which the film is based.

One thing that struck me about this couple is the way they lived polar opposite lives when it came to their faith.  While Stephen did everything he could to discount the existence of God,  Jane held onto her faith in God to make it through.

Not unlike Hawking, there have been times I have seriously questioned my faith in God.  Not in an off-the-cuff kind of way but honestly looking at why I believe what I believe, whether it is still relevant and if it stands the test of life and love

Yet time and time again, I have found that, like Jane, faith in a loving, good God is sustaining to this life I lead.

Jane discovered God, not in a cold calculated way but in the hearts and lives of others who also believed.  Her faith was personal, real and imperfect as it lived out in the lives of imperfect people.

I believe we all have what Jane and Stephen have: a desire to know how we arrived here and the meaning for our existence?

I don’t just mean the collective “our” but I mean “your” existence.

For me, the meaning of one’s life cannot be one that only flourishes in the good times when all is going well.  Meaning must also have its power and sustainability through the most difficult of circumstances in life.

We humans are spirit, soul, and body we have emotions that love and hate, that praise and condemn.  We are capable of the most beautiful and the most brutal.

Therefore, it is only right that our faith, our meaning for life itself must not just be a mental ascent but a spiritual enlightenment.

Jesus talks about faith in Him beginning in the heart.  The heart is that part of us that comprehends deep issues of meaning and existence.  It goes to the very centre of our will, emotions and who we are.

When you ask about the meaning of life and for your life the answer becomes your faith.  Your faith becomes your true north.  True north is what gives you direction, purpose, as well as your balance in life’s most difficult circumstances.

Today I encourage you to take time in your life to deeply explore the meaning for your existence: your theory of everything.

Phil

0

Where’s my healing?


Sometimes I sound more together than I really am.  There are days it takes all my grit to keep living with hope and not default to focussing on my own pain, whinging all the while, or trying to escape it even just for a moment.

I don’t want to die and I don’t want to miss out on a thing.

That said, I am well aware that my pain could be another’s gain. I wonder in your life if your pain could become someone else’s gain.

We can choose to try and run from our pain or we can choose to embrace it and take the view that even in our suffering, maybe others can benefit.

This week at the Australian Open tennis, a commercial was aired [via http://www.curemnd.org.au].  It starred tennis players bringing awareness to the MND/ALS disease and the need to find a cure.  I love that!

Some say that MND is incurable but it’s not, we just haven’t found the cure yet.

I know it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking of ourselves when we go through difficult times, but if we can move beyond that, the potential to help others is enormous. 

For me, that looks like doing whatever I can do to not only seek my own healing, and not only dwell on my prognosis, but also, to wholeheartedly support the quest to find a cure.

It’s not unique but it can be hard.  I see people all over the world deliberately putting the needs and safety of others before themselves even when I’m sure they have their own issues to deal with.

Most people with MND today realise that the cure may not come in their lifetime but what they do today could indeed save the lives of thousands tomorrow.

Like many diseases that were once incurable, a cure starts with awareness, that brings funding, that provides research.  And dare I say it:  our attention depends on the number of people the disease kills and who those people are.

So yes, while there are days I wonder “where is my healing?” I am more likely thinking about how good a cure would be.

I don’t think the discovery of a cure is any less a miracle and gift from God than what can and does take place in an individual’s life.

When I see doctors in third world countries operating on the blind through removing cataracts, it’s a cure but it is also a miracle for the person who can see again.

When I witness children who are infected with H.I.V. surviving through medicine, it is miraculous.

I get excited when through medicine, counselling, surgery, and science, things that were once impossible become possible.  It blesses me to see mankind trusting God to show them His mind on things and where disease once stole life, now millions can experience wholeness.

Just this week I read that according to The Lancet, in Australia 86 per cent of people with breast cancer are still alive five years after diagnosis.  This is thanks to more funding allowing for more research and early detection.

In our waiting and in our suffering, let’s always remember that there is someone else we could help, there is a cause we could further, a hand we could lend.

Waiting with you,
Phil

 

7

The stupid things I’ve said

When I was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND), I noticed that people didn’t know what to say and even close friends struggled to communicate with me.

I know how they feel, as I have been there myself, wanting to offer words of comfort to others but not knowing what to say.

So here are a few things my experience has taught me that may help you communicate with those who are struggling. It may be a terminal illness like me, or it may be a dream not yet realised, a broken relationship, or a dead-end.

A classic comfort we offer others is to compare their situation to those who are seemingly worse-off. For example, some have said to me, “well you could have been hit by a car and already be dead”. I get the premise, but in reality, this has offered no comfort.

I have heard of others who have lost a child or spouse and were told they should at least be thankful for the short time they had together. This is something only they have the right to say. When you feel like your world has just ended, there are better things that could be said.

Comparing to a “worse” event brings little comfort.

Another classic: “there must be a reason for this because everything happens for a reason”.

The problem with this is often it is impossible to figure out a reason why someone is experiencing a tragedy that has derailed their hopes and dreams and impacted their family and finances.

Whatever you do, don’t suggest that the reason is that it could be God testing them. This is hard for me to fathom. The God I love and know would not and does not reward those He loves with life’s harshest conditions, like poverty or a terminal illness.

Yes, maybe in the midst of the challenge we can give what is happening to us some meaning but that’s a very personal thing that no one else can assume on the sufferer.

My hope is that anyone who is suffering would ultimately be able to give what they are going through a sense of cause and purpose, as I have experienced, even while going through the valley.

In the same vein, to those searching for something to ground tragedy in, I have heard it said or inferred, “maybe its because of something you have done.”

This old chestnut suggests that bad things happen to those who have done something to deserve it.

I’m sure we can all recall areas of our life that are far from perfect so when tragedy does come, it’s not hard to blame yourself or think that maybe somehow you deserve it.  I’ve been there, and I recommend getting out quick because it’s a dead-end.

Christ came to bring grace, He stood in the gap, and where we deserved death for our sin, He offers life.

Sure, there are consequences for all our actions: we’ve all heard it said, the smoker increases their risk of getting cancer, and the overeater increases their chances of getting heart disease.  However, we should never think that an undeserved or tragic circumstance in life is some sort of divine punishment.

The good news of the Gospel is that God is a God of grace not of karma.

They are a few things I won’t be saying, now, these are some great things I have experienced:

  • “I’m washing my car this weekend and I’m coming to wash yours as well!” – Be specific when offering to help.
  • ‘Boy you look so tired today, are you ok?” – Be real, don’t lie.
  • ”I’m coming over to mow your lawn, no need to come out, just wanted you not to worry when you hear the mower?” – Show kindness, expect nothing in return.
  • “Hey, I know this is serious and you could die but I’m in this battle with you.” – Acknowledge how bad it is but give your support.
  • “I’m so sorry” – Acknowledging loss can be as simple as that.
  • “I love you”, “Thank you”, “I appreciate you”, “I am praying for you” – Waste no time saying the things that matter.

So when we don’t know what to say, let’s err on the side of just being there, and putting ourselves in the shoes of the sufferer before we speak. This is love.

Phil

23

A simple thank you

I have discovered something about thankfulness, and it’s this:  the more thankful I am, the more thoughtful I am.

For many of us, our default isn’t to think about how our life affects others, how our words lift or wound, how our actions impact our “neighbour”.

But we’re meant to, it’s how we are created to thrive.  We are at our best when we love others as we love ourselves.

So how does thankfulness make me more thoughtful?

In my life, I have noticed that each time I thank God for being able to walk, I am drawn to pray for those who for the first time will be placed in a wheelchair and never be able to walk unassisted again.

When I thank God for my meal, it triggers thoughts of those that have no food, or those who require a feeding tube and don’t get to taste different flavours.

Thankfulness is a tremendous trigger for praying for others.  It’s a springboard that launches me beyond my selfishness and towards empathy – to care, offer a kind word, or do a good deed.

The Apostle Paul gets it, he writes in Philippians 1:3-4, “Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart.”

Amazing.  Perhaps at the root of selfishness is an ungrateful heart.  Perhaps a disregard for what we have breeds contempt and dissatisfaction with this very day God has graced us with.

When we are not thankful, we are not fully aware of what we have and we become unaware of the needs of others.

Thankfulness and gratitude develop thoughtfulness and compassion for others as we appreciate what we have.

I visited a man this week who had a teaching/research position at Macquarie University for 6 years, 20 years at the University of New South Wales, and 4 years at the University of Newcastle.  A Senior Lecturer on Earth Science, he travelled the world climbing and studying volcanoes.  He was married in 2013 with no diagnosis of MND.   Today he cannot move his legs or arms, confined to a wheelchair and is only barely able to talk, quickly losing this gift as well.

As I thank God for the slow progression of the disease within my own body, I cannot help but be thoughtful about those who are suffering much worse.

When you thank God for what you have in life, it triggers a prayer for those who don’t have and that in turn causes compassion to rise up, insisting we do something about other’s needs.

Why don’t you try thanking God for what you have and see where it leads in praying for others?

When thanking God for your marriage, it may lead to you pray for your spouse.

When thanking God for your children, it may lead you to pray for their future.

When thanking God for freedom, it may inspire prayer for those who are in prison simply because of their faith.

When we are unaware of what we have, we are also unaware of what others don’t have.

I’m not thankful for MND in my body but I try to be thankful in the midst of my MND.  Sure there are moments when I grieve what I can no longer do, but I try to keep them to moments and short ones at that, whilst focusing on what I do have and can do.

What are you thankful for today and where will it lead you…to thoughtfulness?

Phil

P.s. This year’s “Walk-to-defeat-MND” will be held on February 15th.  I would usually start my own page to raise money for this initiative, however this year I am asking those who would like to, to donate as part of “Phil’s Team” to these guys: https://give.everydayhero.com/au/paddle4mnd

8 of Lake Macquarie’s professional beach lifeguards are setting out to challenge themselves on a 130km board paddle from their own Blacksmiths Beach to Sydney’s Bondi Beach. 100% of the money they raise will be going straight to the MND research and awareness. 

The 8 Lifeguards that will be paddling are Lucas Samways, Danny Napper, Rory Chapman, Luca Chapman, Rory Tanner, Sam Earp, Jake Ingle, and Troy Ham… legends!!

6

Know it all?

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Knowledge is a wonderful thing but the right response to knowledge is a better thing: wisdom.

I would say that most of my mistakes have happened, not through lack of knowledge, but how I used the information I had.

For example, when I was managing Kmart in Blacktown many years ago, I was chasing a man who stole goods from the store.  I knew he had run up the stairs of the car park and so I followed him.  When I approached him, he grabbed me and tried to throw me over the edge of the three storey car park. Fortunately others saw and pulled him off.  I knew where he had gone but I was foolish in my response to this knowledge.

Our response to knowledge is the difference between wisdom and foolishness.

What knowledge or truth do you have today that requires you to act and respond well?

You may know that someone loves you deeply but your response to that love is to take advantage of it, to continually test it and manipulate it for your own end.  That is foolishness.

Without right response, knowledge is a dead-end.

Even the Apostle Paul in talking about how God is kind and merciful (i.e. knowledge) says, just because He is, doesn’t mean we should act as fools and test him (i.e. response). Romans 6:1-2 says, “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!…”

I have many friends with MND (also known as ALS) who all have the same knowledge about this disease available to them but their responses have varied.

For example one of the symptoms of MND is losing the ability to swallow and therefore being eventually unable to eat food.  The answer to this from a medical platform is to have a PEG attached to your stomach so that you can get food directly to your stomach via a tube.  The problem is you need to get this attached months or even years before you need it or your body is too weak to have it attached.

I have seen people say “no” to the tube for many months then change their mind and say “yes” only to be told its too late.  They responded, but the timing wasn’t right.

It challenges me on how important the right response to knowledge really is, it could even be the difference between life and death.

In your life, it could mean saying “no” to something you have said “yes” to, or it could be saying “yes” but at a different time.

Procrastination is usually loud.  Doing nothing is often talkative.

Whereas, wisdom is active, it is sure and it is often quiet.

I like this quote: “We can be knowledgeable with other men’s knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men’s wisdom”  ~Michel de Montaigne.

I believe wisdom is ours for the taking if we master our response to knowledge.

Phil

6

Phillip Hughes and my mate Lloyd

Australia lost one of its national cricket stars last week.

For those of you who don’t know much about cricket, it is enough to say that it is one of Australia’s most loved national sports. During a recent game, Phillip Hughes was hit with a cricket ball and never recovered.  He was just days off his 26th birthday.

In the same week, I had a friend die from the effects of Motor Neurone Disease (MND) or ALS to those in the States. As I also have this disease, I met Lloyd and his wife Adele at our local MND support group.  I had the privilege of sharing my faith with him and praying with him to begin a relationship with God just weeks before His death.

I have written blogs about death before, but today I want to focus on those left behind. The ones who sit in funerals, sort through clothing, write eulogies.  I want to encourage you that in life’s most desperate moments that you can acquire a newfound value in life.

Our Prime Minister said this week, “Phillip Hughes’ passing is a reminder that life is both precious and fragile.”

I wonder, if that is true, do we live like it is? When we hear the words “precious and fragile”, many of us reflect on the fact that life in general is precious or fragile or that someone else’s life is fragile and precious.

It’s easy to hear these words without personalising them.

Let me do that for you: You are precious and you are fragile, you are one of a kind, valuable, not worthless.

By fragile, I’m not talking about the resilience of the human spirit, in fact, I am constantly blown away by people’s resilience. I am talking about our earthly body, amazing in complexity and also not infallible.

By precious, I’m not talking about lovely or superficial, I’m talking about rare, one of a kind, and uniquely destined for great things.

I have been to many auctions in my life and I like watching auction shows on TV. It is true that the most fragile and precious articles more often hold the most value.  Even if I wouldn’t buy it, someone else is willing to pay large sums– it’s all in the perspective of the buyer.

If our value is found in what others would give for us then consider this: Jesus gave His life for us. The Bible says, even when we were seemingly worthless, He put worth on us by paying the highest price a friend could pay: His own life. [Romans 5:8]

Have you noticed how people treat things that are precious and fragile? It is with respect, with a sense of awe, wonder and love.

The Bible also teaches us that we are wonderfully made and precious to God, and that we are His treasured possession.

If we would understand our intrinsic value today, it would change the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others. We would love our neighbour like we were made to.

My challenge to you today is to see yourself as one-of-a-kind, and handle yourself with care. Then, see the people you are doing life with as equally valued, they are precious and fragile too.

Phil

0

There are little eyes upon you

Circa 1989. Proud of my girls then, and now!
Circa 1989. Proud of my girls then, and now!

Like it or not, our fathers have an incredible impact on our lives: either for good or bad.

One of the best compliments I have received from a friend of my daughter was, “you are the first person she wants to call if she needs help.”

I like to think that it was my consistency towards my girls that caused them to see me as a safe place. They knew what they were going to get when they reached out to me. I was always there for them and I didn’t stuff it all up (by God’s grace).

James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  God sets the ultimate example of a consistent Father for us all.

I truly believe that an inconsistent father robs children of security and confidence.

Sure, we all have mood swings, but how far do we let the pendulum swing in each direction?

Having consistency in mood does not mean keeping all emotions under wraps. No, our children need to see us being angry but not losing control over our words or actions, they need to see us being happy without going overboard and being foolish in our celebration.

Knowing what to expect from us emotionally will give them confidence to approach us.

Inconsistent fathers put their children on edge, wondering how Dad will react when he walks in the door. Living with an alcoholic father myself, and not knowing who or what I would come home to, that was my life and I didn’t want it to be my girls’ lives.

If I had a heavy day at work and didn’t feel I could be a great example to my kids, I would either keep driving until I had calmed down or sit in the car and get myself in a good space. But the moment I walked in the front door, I wanted to be present with them.

Being present is a sure sign of consistency.

Are you there for your kids? Really there? Or are you just going through the motions? For too many fathers, home is where they eat, sleep, and do their best to keep the noise level down.

I can remember more than one occasion when my girls would have to walk up to me and with two hands on my face turn my attention to them so I would listen to what they were saying. We all reap what we sow, so be present for your kids now or find that when your kids grow up they will have no time for you. I count myself blessed that still today my girls and I love hanging out.

And my final thought on consistency is consistently don’t stuff up.

Few things do more damage to children than fathers who spout moral absolutes and then live out a double standard. Our children are still watching to see if we “walk the talk.”

“Do as I say, not as I do” just doesn’t work when you’re raising kids. The flip side is “Do as I do” does work and you have the opportunity to model consistency to the generations.

And so with Father’s Day just around the corner, this blog is in honour of all the consistent dads out there.

Phil

“There are little eyes upon you.

And they’re watching night and day;

There are little ears that quickly

Take in every word you say;

There are little hands all eager

To do anything you do…”

– Author unknown

6

Look for the stars while you take out the trash!

I am a Formula One fan.

Not only have I watched it for years but I’ve also been to the Singapore and Monaco Grand Prix.

There have been few rivalries in motor racing like that of Niki Lauda and James Hunt’s. Theirs is a legendary tale, now depicted in the movie “Rush.” It tells the true story of a fierce competition for the title of World Champion in the 70s.

Near the end of the movie, after Lauda’s infamous motor racing accident, which left him severely burned and fighting for his life, these rivals meet again. Lauda recounts his Doctor’s wise words,

“Mr. Lauda, may I offer a piece of advice? Stop thinking of it as a curse to have been given an enemy in life, it can be blessing too. A wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool from his friends.”

Niki Lauda with his wife and son shortly after the near fatal crash in 1976.
Niki Lauda with his wife and son shortly after the near fatal crash in 1976.

I love that line: “A wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool from his friends.”

I put it this way: “Look for the stars while you take out the trash.”

Lauda’s enemies were twofold: Hunt & his injuries.  My enemy is Motor Neurone Disease (MND).

It is a disease with no cure and kills 2 people in Australia each day, while another two are diagnosed. Its sufferers lose all use of their muscles, eventually being unable to walk, move their arms or hands, eat, talk, or breath.

I have this disease (it doesn’t have me) and I have friends who are further down the road than me. When I visit them, I’m looking into the mirror of who I may become, except for a miracle or a cure.

How much do you think that makes me value walking, eating, and breathing now? In this way, my enemy has somehow helped me appreciate what I once took for granted.

Before I was diagnosed with the disease, I hated the interruption of taking the bin out to the end of the driveway for pick-up the next morning. Now I am grateful that I can still do this chore. Not only can I take out the trash, but I can look up and take one more opportunity to see the stars.

I am in awe of the stars, to gaze at God’s handiwork even as I stand amongst the stench of rubbish, this disease, the frustration of my body degenerating: my enemy.

Some have fiercer enemies, deeper valleys, or more rubbish in their life than others, but maybe its also a longer, deeper, and wider opportunity to gaze at the stars and to consider the beauty in the storm.

Our enemy, whatever it looks like, instead of bringing evil, may just with God’s help bring some good.  What I am endeavouring to do in the midst of my challenge of MND is allow it to do what sometimes only an enemy can do: bring to the surface treasure once hidden.

I think if you allow wisdom to have its way you too can gain something from your enemy.

So walk slowly back next time you take the rubbish out and take a look up. And remember, “A wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool from his friends.”

Phil

MND Awareness Week (May 4-10)

Visit http://www.mndaust.asn.au
Awareness is the first step towards a cure. You may want to also sign the “Five Rights Petition” or even give a donation to the MND Research Institute of Australia.

Visit http://www.mndandme.com.au
This week Scott Sullivan, the founder of this organisation sadly passed away. I’m sure the foundation would value any support.

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