Fridays with Phil

I remember the exact place and moment she said it.  It was early in our marriage, she had arrived home late after the train she was travelling home on broke down.  She was at her wits end in our marriage and in the heat of the moment, the words I extracted from my wife’s mouth were “I hate you.”

It’s strange how she has told me she loves me a thousand times since then and yet I can still remember the one and only time she told me she hated me.

Human nature is like that, we tend to hang onto the negative and let go too quickly of the positive.  Imagine if we celebrated the victories for as long as we sat in the defeats.

I thought that my marrying Lenore as a 19 year old boy was just too good to be true and sooner or later she was going to up and leave.

I treated her like she would, and my actions towards her were in response to that belief.

Ultimately, I got her to say what I believed she thought.  It was not what she thought or believed but I could not accept that she loved me and so I pushed her away.  There was no way, I believed, that this could be real and forever.

I’m sure there are reasons in my childhood that fuelled this emotion. I was afraid that one day I would come home and she would not be there.  It was what my mum did to my dad when I was 13 years old.  He came home from work and we had deserted him and our home (I now know mum had very good reasons but I was just a kid).

Even when it came to our finances, I was riddled with insecurity.  Lenore earnt more than me and I thought I wasn’t experienced enough or bright enough to handle our finances, so left all of that responsibility to Lenore.

I feared failure, not just in and of itself but also because of what it would look like.

I was incapable of believing my wife’s love for me because of my own fear and insecurity.

With those emotions manifesting on a daily basis, our marriage could not win.

Lenore was sowing good seed into the poisoned soil of my heart.

That’s why today my challenge to you is to not look at other’s responses or behaviours as much as you look at your own heart and behaviour.

If you can be honest about your own condition then maybe the good seed of others will find soil to thrive in.

I can tell you today, whatever state your relationships are in, you can overcome fear, insecurity and failure.  How can you do that?

1. Realise that no one person on earth is identical and we all respond differently. You do not need to be a product of your past.
2. Face your insecurities so that change can take place.  I had to share my fears with Lenore so we could work through them.
3. Understand that everyone who lives and breathes will sometimes fail. Failure is just another way of moving forward in life.
4. Marriage is the joining of two imperfect people and it can get better if you are willing to work at it. Sometimes that includes seeking help from a counsellor.
5. Love yourself so others can love you.
6. Find unconditional love in God’s love for you.

Three painful years of marriage out of 36 years was well-worth it.  Trust me, the plates will stop flying if you are both willing to change.  I am so thankful we did that together.

No matter your start, you can have a better tomorrow.

Phil

I was asked this week what I thought of Stephen Fry.  My first response was “who is Stephen Fry?”  After some research, I found he is an actor and an atheist who recently aired his views on what he would say to God if he were given opportunity, and it went viral.

For someone who does not believe God exists, he gave an impassioned and articulate response about this God he does not believe in.

He said God was “capricious, mean-minded, stupid” and “monstrous”.   He went on to say he would tell God, “How dare you. How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that’s not our fault? It’s not right. It’s utterly, utterly evil.”  “The God who created this universe, if he created this universe, is quite clearly a maniac, an utter maniac, totally selfish.”

I believe Stephen fails to recognise, not only that God exists, but who He is and misrepresents God’s very nature.

Funnily enough, even those who don’t believe in God, when faced with tragedy or evil situations, like a downtown café being held up by gunman, can be found turning to God in prayer.  TV commentators encourage it and vow to us that their prayers are with the sufferers.

When bad things happen, I’m so glad that I believe in a God who is not unmoved, unconcerned or blind to humanity and who does in fact respond to prayer, even our most desperate, ineloquent pleas.

I think that many turn to prayer because of a deep knowing that there must be someone higher than all of this: all of this sickness, all of this suffering, all of this tragedy.

At the same time, many people also choose to decide who that is and how they will respond to that perception.   It’s a kind of “make-your-own God” if you will.

Deciding who God is to you will be the defining moment in your spiritual life.

Stephen speaks as if this God he does not believe in is evil, unjust, mean and a maniac.  That measures his response to the world and God.

I believe that God is good, just, loving, merciful and patient, even in the challenge of a terminal illness (and even more so).

I know a God who in trial and pain is personal, caring, concerned and very much involved.  In turn, that measures my response to the world and to God.

I also believe that God has created all of us with the ability to know Him.  He wants us to know who He really is.  He showed himself to us through the example of Jesus and through the pages of the Bible.

Stephen may attribute at least partial blame for the evil in our world to a hateful God, whereas the Bible teaches that evil, rebellious angels, and men are the cause of evil.

Let me explain.  God created the earth and everything in it, including us.  It was created good and all animals lived together with no threat of life or fear from each other.  He gave man free-will.  Free-will means we have the choice to choose good or bad and it allowed angels and man to choose evil over good.  As someone once said, to blame God for the mess we now find ourselves in is like blaming the landlord when the tenants have trashed the house.

God’s will was and still is to redeem the world and all of creation back to His original intent.  He sent Jesus to reveal His redemption plan, healing and restoring the world.  Aren’t you glad God didn’t walk out on us?  Where the evil of man sought to separate us entirely from God, the love of God made a way in spite of it.

The very thing that Stephen would blame God for, God is actually working at ridding the world from and returning back to peace.  And I know many people have also committed themselves to this endeavour, to be the light in dark places, to offer kindness, compassion and humanitarian help.

I believe, there will be a time when children no longer die from bone cancer and hatred is no more.  This will be God’s doing not man’s.  Just because God hasn’t made His final move yet doesn’t mean He won’t or He hasn’t already begun.

Power always has the option to destroy or manipulate, but the power of God’s great love offers instead forgiveness, free-will and to extend humanity beyond this reality into another.

God secured for us a place free from all pain and suffering, and a way for us to be reunited with Him in heaven.  This is a place that Stephen may argue God should create if He was a good God.  Well, God already has and if we choose, our time spent there will be eternal.

When I take opportunity to speak to God, something I do daily unlike Stephen Fry’s imaginary scenario, I don’t offer blame or spite, instead, I can’t help but offer thanks, praise and adoration to the God who I have come to know.

Phil

P.s. Would love to hear your thoughts on your personal spiritual defining moments.