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Fridays with Phil

Life, family and unshakeable faith

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Live and let die

Most of us at one point or another will experience a challenge or temptation that puts a demand on our resolve and commitment to our values.  It will bring the focus of our worship and spiritual direction to a pinnacle.

At the core of that crossroads tension is not only whether we have decided what is worth living for but what is worth dying for.  What will we lay our self down for?

Three boys in the Bible teach us a lot about faith, about facing worse case scenarios and about real worship.

Their story is found in the book of Daniel, chapter 3.  They are sentenced to being burnt alive in a furnace for making a stand and not changing the affection of their worship.

They made a courageous decision that even in the very worst-case scenario, death by being burnt alive, they would not give into the King’s demand to reject their faith in God.

When these three boys made a commitment not to bow down to the King, they believed God would save them, but even if He didn’t, they would not bow down.

They were ultimately committed to their God through faith.

You see, happy endings are easy to put our faith in, but what if God requires a higher faith, faith in Him regardless of the outcome.

For me, I absolutely believe in God’s ability to heal me, but ultimate faith begs the questions, “even if He doesn’t, will I believe and follow Him until the end?”

These three boys have taught us that we can live with the dichotomy of full assurance in God’s goodness and full commitment no matter the outcome: ultimate faith.

Not only that, but these three boys decided that staying true to themselves and the God they served was worth dying for.

How practical is this in our everyday life?

Well, when you have learned to die to self, you can then live for others.

Die to the demand to succeed at any cost and live with a desire for the best for others.
Die to the demand of temptation to adultery and live with a fresh commitment to your spouse.
Die to the desire to hit back and live with an ability to turn the other cheek.
Die to the insatiable demand for more and live with a seeking for opportunity to give.
Die to personal freedom and live to emancipate others.
Die to judging and live with a heart to accept and forgive.

It is only in facing death head on that we can begin to live life full on. This is where death, literally and figuratively speaking truly looses its sting, it’s power, it’s dread, it’s fear.

I wonder what fiery furnace is challenging your core beliefs today?

Maybe it’s time to put more faith in your God than in the immediate threat, maybe it’s time to accept that only as we refuse to bow down, refuse to change the object of our worship, God alone, that we will see breakthrough.

Only when we can come to terms with worst case scenario can we be assured that He will be with us through the fire, through the pain and gives us rest and peace in the face of death.

Live fully today! Live by faith.

Phil

4

What makes a mate?

Most of the time when I sit down and write this blog, I’m not totally sure where it will land.  This week is no different as I sit in a cafe at Airlie Beach.

I’m here celebrating my mate Steve’s 60th birthday.

Mateship is a well-celebrated value in Australian culture. We are quick to call someone a “mate” – a taxi driver, a bank teller, or anyone whose name we have forgotten.  But I wonder what a true mate looks like?

Steve is a true mate.

I met him 20 years ago when he was 40 and I was 36.

For all those years, most separated by distance, we have watched our kids survive their teenage years, we have talked about the highs and lows of business and personal life, we have attended one of our best buddy’s funerals, navigated some dark moments and celebrated each others triumphs.

So why do some friendships, like ours, last the test of time and distance, while others fade and fizzle out?

I’ve always lived by the philosophy that to have good friends, you need to be a good friend.

A true friend is first, friendly.

If a dog is a man’s best friend then it’s the loyal, predictable, friendly companion not the crazed, aggravated, vicious attack dog.   If we are approachable, easy going, kind and agreeable, friendships will follow us.  If our countenance is hard, stand-off-ish, or attacking then we will probably find it hard to make friends.

A true friend is second, true.

Truth, honesty and integrity is what to look for in friendship. A commitment to respect each other’s confidentiality when it comes to sharing deep personal struggles and realities creates an environment of trust.

Friendship can only flourish in an environment of trust.

When Steve and I first met, we started playing golf together. I would inevitably hit the ball into the trees and at times, to save my club from damage, I would have to move the ball (in golf, this is a shot).  Steve wouldn’t see me move the ball so it would have been simple to hide it and not concede the shot. But, true friendship wouldn’t let me get away with not telling him. It’s a simple example, but friendship and trust are in the small things as well as the big.

A true friend is third, a listener.

Transparency in friendship includes not just what you say, but more importantly, how you listen. Listening reveals that you genuinely value the other person and you are interested in what they are going through.

To be honest, listening is one of the hardest of the communication skills to master. We are so quick to want to speak that it’s hard not to cut the other person off mid-sentence before we forget what is so important for us to say.

The practice of listening is a powerful friendship adhesive.

Finally, remember that a real friendship is not about what you can or can’t do for the other person, but who you are free to be.

Steve and I are no longer in the positions we were when we met, there have been significant changes in our public lives, but thankfully our friendship has never been about what we did but who we are. Any good friendship is.

That’s my two cents worth on being a good mate.

Phil

4

When you don’t know what to say

Do you struggle with what to say to someone when you know they have a terminal disease, a disability, a mental illness or even when they are facing a seemingly insurmountable challenge?

As someone living with Motor Neurone Disease, I find myself on both sides of the conversation, receiving comfort and offering it, so maybe I can help.

I think a good rule of thumb is to stick to conversation, questions and condolences that match your level of relationship with the person.

Just because someone is going through something doesn’t automatically give us license to extend beyond the level of our current relationship with them.

As a casual friend or acquaintance, I ask people, how they are going “today”?  It means they don’t have to answer what can be an impossible question: “how are you going?”  Unless that person has been cured, they probably don’t want to relive everything that they are currently facing in what they are going through. The word “today” allows them to remain focused on the present.

For those I am closer with, I may ask, how they are “feeling”? This moves a conversation beyond the factual realities of the situation and towards how they are coping, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally with what they are going through. Their answer could be about how they are feeling about the future or the courage they need to face each day’s challenges.  It may be as detailed as treatment plans and the potential side effects of trial drugs.

So for your sake, for their sake, only ask if you really want to know. 

It’s shocking some of the things people come out with when they don’t know what to say. I’ve had people invite me to go into a closet with them to pray and not come out until I am healed. Some have asked me if I am really that sick as I look so good. Others have suggested that a forty-day fast with lemon and water will cure me.

All well meaning I’m sure, but there are better things we can say and they are often the simplest things: How are you going today? How are you feeling? How can I help? I’m praying for you, I’m sorry, you are inspiring, we love you, we are proud of you.

These words acknowledge the seriousness of what they are going through and yet still inspire hope for the future.

If you get a response like “I’m doing great” or “this is a great day”, it is not necessarily a contradiction to the challenge they have, it could just be a reflection of them trying to have the best day possible and not dwell on their less-than-perfect situation.

It is always good to consider that a person travelling through a tough time is most likely digging deep to find the strength to be positive. You never know, they could just be on the brink of taking a leap of faith. Their breakthrough could be just around the corner.

Your words could make all the difference.

Phil

6

The victorious life

We all want victory.  I don’t know anyone who is happy about losing or being defeated.

However, the truth is that if we are living at all, we will have experienced times of loss and defeat.  Does that mean we are not victorious?

I believe that although we may have times of defeat, we can still have a victorious life where the rhythm of our life is victorious and where the theme or banner over our life is victory.

We can live in such a way that our heart is not discouraged from a single defeat, but is courageous knowing victory is measured over a lifetime, not over one day.

Michael Clarke has retired as Australian cricket captain at the end of one of Australia’s biggest Ashes losses.  Yet Michael should be remembered as a great cricket captain, for his triple century in 2012, his 161 with a fractured shoulder, his century after the death of Hughes. He is not to be remembered for a single loss, but for many victories.

How do we keep our heart victorious in the face of defeat?

Here are some keys:

1. Remember the wins of the past.  

Think about what God has accomplished in and through your life to date.  Psalm 103:2 says it like this, “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”

One of the traps of time is that the further we get away from the work we saw God do, the more we are tempted to make it not such a big deal or even worse give ourselves the credit, rather than God’s provision and divine help.

It is important that we remember what God has done for us if we are going to walk in continued victory.

2.  Win the private battles.

To have victory in public, we need to win some battles in our own soul and spirit. This is the hardest battlefield at time because it takes more courage to change ourselves than to find fault in others.

Finding fault in others only superficially gives us a sense of victory. That’s why some people gossip because it’s easier than having to look at themselves and see areas that need changing.

Maybe, it’s time to look for any rubbish that needs removing and “take out the trash.” Maybe it’s time to get off the gossip train!

3.  Let God in.

Many people have a concept that God is looking for an opportunity to punish them. Nothing could be further from the truth.  God is in fact actively looking for opportunities to show Himself strong in you and through you.  When we are ready to win battles in our own lives, then God is ready and willing to help.

Be encouraged today, you can win in the end. Victory can be your hallmark even in the face of loss and defeat.

Phil

3

How much is my life worth?

Have you ever wondered if you can put a dollar value on life?

This question comes to life when you need to spend money to stay alive: treatments, medications, experimental drugs, and robotic devices.

How much would you spend? How much is 12 extra months of life worth?  $25,000.00; $250,000.00 or $2,500,000.00?

Disease, especially terminal illness, puts life on the scales and you are required to try and find the balance. Disease can require you to give life a dollar value.

In trying to find the balance, I’ve had to lean on my faith.

What I know to be true is that there is a difference between putting value on life and accepting the value that has already been established for me.

My personal significance and self worth is not based on what I might pay for extra days, but instead it is grounded in the amazing sacrifice and love of God for me that lasts for eternity.

God established how much life is worth by giving His all. When the disease of mankind, sin, separated man from God and asked God how much are we, humanity, worth to Him? His answer was “all of Me”!

Galatians 2:20 says that the life I live now is a life of faith established on the reality that Jesus gave Himself for me and He did it because of His love for me.

Money doesn’t and couldn’t begin to put a value on my life, Jesus has already done it by loving me and giving Himself for me.

In the same way, when we love people, when we give ourselves to them, we establish their value to us.  We affirm that they are significant and of great value.

How much do we spend to live?  How much do we spend to save those dying of hunger and thirst, without access to medications in third world countries?

If we take Christ’s example, then I guess it’s all of us: whatever we can and whatever it takes.

We do what we can when we can and as fast as we can. 

This is the nature of God to love life, value life and save lives. Our actions are motivated out of love for others, not at their expense. We live for their value, not our own.

Remember today that when humanity’s shortcomings put the ask on God to give us a value for humanity, to show us what we were worth, He established our value and worth once and for all, His life for ours, and that’s more than enough.

Phil

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Me and my tattoo

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve attended four funerals.

Facing the reality of death’s certainty for us all, I was again reminded of the eternal hope we have as Christians.

In my situation, having heard from doctors there is nothing we can do, I want you to know that the hope I have in Christ is not dependent on what others can or can’t do for me. My God has already done it all.

When there is nothing doctors can do, there is still hope.

And now, every day I’m reminded of that hope. Why? Because my new tattoo on my wrist reminds me.

It’s an anchor.

The Bible says in Hebrews 6:19, “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil…”

The anchor represents our sure and certain hope of eternal life.

My daughter got one too, this is what it meant to her:

“It’s my testimony
It’s the only thing in life that is sure and steadfast. My faith.
He (Jesus) is my calm, strength, stability, steadiness in the storm.
He is immovable, unchangeable and secure.

His promise is sure. His love is sure.
He will not let go. 

The waves crash and the winds roar fiercely yet beneath the waters there is calm. Peace. Still. Beneath the waters there He is. My anchor. Heavy, strong, unwavering. 

He is my no-matter-what.
He anchors my soul.
Ever. Always. Sure.”

When Jess and I were getting our tattoos, the artist said we needed to have an anchor that was adequate for the size of our wrists.

I wonder in your life if your anchor is adequate for the size of life’s storms?

The anchor on a ship must match the demands of the sea, as well as the size, weight, cargo and necessities of the particular ship.

The same is true of each human life.

Your faith, your hope, your anchor, or that which you trust in, must be sufficient for all of life’s challenges and ultimately for its final challenge: death itself.

Just as every ship needs an anchor, so does every life.

Who is your anchor?
Who do you put your trust in?
Does your anchor give you calm?
Does it instil peace?
Does it cause you to know hope deep within your soul?
Do you even have an anchor?

It would be a foolish captain who went to sea without an anchor.

Be a wise person today and ask yourself this, “Do I have a trust, a faith, a hope that I can rely on and depend upon in both the calm and the storm?”

Don’t be shaken by the fact that your anchor can’t be seen.  An anchor is only useful when it is out of sight. That’s faith, that’s hope!

The Bible says, ”Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).

When you can see your anchor then it’s doing nothing.

Our security is found in the fact that our anchor, Jesus, is far, far out of sight — “inside the veil,” in Heaven itself.

Phil

10

It’s never too late

This week my Mum was promoted to heaven.

She was 95 years old and until her final days was active and healthy.  In fact, her last week saw her attend the Lifeline Brass Blokes Awards night (pictured above) as well as her great grandson being dedicated at Church.

If I had to narrow it down to what I am most thankful to my Mum for, it would be her lasting eternal legacy.  Let me explain.

She made some brave decisions at age 54.  After separating from my Dad, I remember how hard Mum would work to find cleaning jobs at night while offices were closed and even got her driver’s license, something she was proud of her entire life.

Not only that, but that was when she started a relationship with Jesus and became a Christian. This new life gave her hope, strength and joy.

I can remember Mum sitting for hours with her Bible, a notebook and studying with the help of audio teaching tapes and various resources.

Raising a teenage boy without his Dad in the picture, Mum knew I needed to have healthy male role models and she started taking me to Full Gospel Business Men’s breakfasts, prayer meetings and Church services.

It was at those meetings Mum introduced me to Christian men who were successful in their careers, had healthy relationships with their family and were not addicted to life controlling habits.

As a single Mum, she was laying the foundation for my future and it is because of her selflessness and courage, her commitment to Jesus, and even her ability to reach out and find help in her time of need, that I am who I am today.

If Mum had not been the brave person she was, I would not have met my wife Lenore at Church or raised my two beautiful girls in a healthy family environment.

Yes, my Mums’ legacy is having generational impact.

When I look back and realise that my Mum was my age and older when I was in my teenage years, I’m amazed at her energy, stamina and zest for life.  Right up until her last week, her life was full of blessing.

Mum made me who I am today because of the choices she made to raise me in the right environment.  She courageously turned my life around for the better.

What we can all learn from my Mum’s life:

It’s never too late to make a change for the better;
We need to do what we can and leave what we can’t to God;
Jesus never leaves us;
We need the help of others and we need to be a help to others;
God’s Word is life changing;
To live today with as much enthusiasm and energy as we have and get up tomorrow and do it all again; and
The last half can be the best half.

Thank you Mum, until we meet again.

Phil

13

I need help

When I was 13 years old my mum and dad separated, leaving my sister and I living with my mum in a tiny apartment. Each Friday I negotiated between mum and dad a weekly support sum given by dad to mum to help raise us. I hated it.

I clearly remember sitting with mum on one side of Epping train station in Sydney while dad sat on the other.  I would walk across the footbridge between them, back and forwards, communicating the terms of how much money mum would get for the week ahead.

At the age of 13, it seemed like dad was only providing for us, not out of love, but because of an unwilling obligation forced on him by mum. And I was mad at my mum that she couldn’t speak for herself and put me in the middle of them.

It’s only after decades have passed that I can see that I had drawn childish conclusions about both my mum and dad at that time. Those conclusions influenced reactions in my life, not only a fear during the early years of my marriage that Lenore would leave me suddenly, but also a difficulty in accepting help from others.

I grew up struggling to believe that when people did help it was out of love, not obligation.

I wonder what childish conclusions you may be living with to this day?

Today as a 55 year old who needs to rely more and more on the help of others, I now realise it was unfair of me to assume ill motives on others. There are people who are neither unwilling or under obligation that want to help and do help. I was the one with the issue.

Maybe like me, you need to acknowledge your own false conclusions.

What I now know is that my dad did love me and my mum was not using me. They had stuff going on in their lives that had nothing to do with me. My dad’s tough negotiating, for example, had more to do with his need for money to feed his addictions and pay his bills, not to mention his anger over mum leaving.

What about you? What childish conclusions about life and relationships are you living with?

Have false conclusions in your life stemmed from disappointments, from past experiences, or just incorrectly processing information?

Are you like me, reacting or responding to people and their actions from a dysfunctional mindset built upon false understandings and conclusions that have framed the way you now think?

You see, not only as adults do we need to put aside childish behaviours, but it may also be time to put away seeing life how a child sees life – recognising, there may be more to every story.

There is so much potential for our lives as we mature, not only in age, but in actions, and in how we perceive the world. I leave you with this verse today, 1 Corinthians 13:11:

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

Phil

P.S. If you want to help me end MND / ALS, visit www.curemnd.org.au

4

Courage under fire

Tonight I am attending the Lifeline Brass Blokes Awards as one of five finalists.

This recognition is given to people who have been through adversity yet still find the time and courage to give back to their community.

It got me to thinking about courage. I wonder how you would describe a person with courage?  Are the only courageous people in our world the ones that are seen to do extraordinary acts of bravery?

I like to think of courage as something ordinary people like you and I can attain to each and every day as we go about our ordinary lives.  After all, many of the courageous actions of others are born out of circumstances they did not create but had to respond to the best they could.

In fact, sometimes the most courageous decisions we make are to do with matters unseen.

I think of Rugby players as strong people, running on to fields where they give it their all. I think of firefighters as brave people, running into burning houses to save lives. But what I think is most courageous is when those same people, not only face physical battles, but get real about their own internal challenges, their fight for integrity, or reaching out to help others.

Strength may come and go but courage has to do with what lasts: our mind, our heart, our spirit. The ability to be courageous is what we need to pass on to our children and our children’s children.

I think of my friend who before he was diagnosed with MND / ALS was a coal-miner, the breadwinner in his family.  He found his identity and purpose in being able to provide and protect those he loved, but disease has robbed him of his ability to function in that role.  Going deep beneath the earth required his skill and strength, but digging deep within himself to live, dealing with emotional pain and physical challenge, is what makes him courageous!

I think of another friend as she undergoes brain surgery for cancer with extreme resilience, but even more inspiring to me is how her and her husband show tremendous courage in the way they are living on such and emotional roller coaster through the journey of this valley.

Courage is about the ability to face our internal fears, challenges and setbacks.

It’s facing the fears of having to change the way you thought about life, its being willing to talk about things that you once could ignore or hide behind a brave face.

Courage is not the absence of feelings but the ability to face them and still engage in the present.  

The simple act of communicating your fears to loved ones and not repressing them may take more courage then racing into a burning building to save them.

People who reach out to the likes of Lifeline, a counsellor or loved one because they are facing haunting thoughts of suicide, or are living with depression, abuse or addiction – they are in my eyes courageous.  If that’s you, I would encourage you to reach out to someone. Yes it will take courage but I believe we all have the ability to show courage in the face of fear.

Courageous people:

  1. Admit they have a challenge.
  2. Realise they are not alone.
  3. Understand that the first step towards help is the hardest.
  4. Know that help is not a hand out but a hand up.
  5. Are committed to changing for the better.
  6. Face fear not suppress it.
  7. Open up to people they trust.
  8. Stay in accountable relationships.
  9. Pray; they speak of their anxieties to God the one who loves unconditionally.
  10. Stay openly honest and mindful of their challenges.
  11. Realise failure is a step forward.
  12. Hope for a better future.
  13. Make their fear less important than the desired outcome.
  14. Love themselves and others enough to change.
  15. Live in the present and not in fear of what may or may not happen.

Phil

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